Eight years ago I was not exactly a well being and decided to do something about it. I decided to take another crack at meditation. This particular weekday morning, my kids were at school, and I needed to use the next several hours to complete a draft of something that was due later that day. As I write this, I can’t remember what it was. But I remember feeling so anxious, I wasn’t sure I could complete it. As I tried to pull myself together enough, so I could focus on my work, I saw a segment on a morning news program about the benefits of meditation, including more calm, focus and better sleep. Hearing all that, I thought “Sign me up!” Andy Puddiecombe, the co-founder of Headspace and a meditation and mindfulness expert, was being interviewed and in his wonderful British accent spoke of how meditation brought peace and clarity to his own life. So that day, after paying the annual fee, I downloaded the Headspace app and began trying to meditate, again.

My Anxiety Was in Charge

I first tried meditation in my 20s after a friend shared with me how it was helping her - more calm, better focus and clarity - so I took a class to learn how to do it. I remember lying on a mat trying to keep my eyes closed. Everyone around me appeared to be achieving a state of calm that was escaping me as my mind bounced from the laundry I had to do, to what I needed at the grocery store, to what I had to get done at work the next day. After completing the course, I was convinced I had failed.

The day I returned to meditation, my anxiety was in charge. Two years earlier, I left a job at an organization I had been with for 20 years, because the work culture had become toxic for me. I opted to leave on my terms rather than on the terms of the person I was reporting to at the time.

Starting out our relationship was good, and we had a lot of hope for what we could accomplish. He even wrote me a note about how much he appreciated my help and support during his first few months of employment. But a few months later, our relationship had soured. I felt like he was micromanaging and criticizing me for things he had previously praised me for. One day he asked to speak with me after a meeting and accused me of trying to undermine him. I was shocked and remember thinking - he was chosen by the current president while I was inherited. The writing was on the wall.

As I packed up the pictures of my kids and other personal belongings on my last day in the office, I found the note he had written me several months earlier. Standing there reading it, I laughed out loud because that was better than crying. I recycled it. I walked out of the office that day with my box of belongings and a sense of relief. But I also walked out with a few other things: shame, anger and sadness. This wasn’t the ending I expected or wanted, but it was the one I was getting.

After I left, I opted to do project work, because I wanted to spend more time with my kids. I got to work on some amazing projects with awesome people. But I often felt like an imposter afraid to be found out. I got a lot of questions about my former employer and why I left. I would listen patiently and try to change the subject as quickly as possible. But by the time we’d moved on, I felt awful.

Treated With Curiosity and Gentleness

I wish that I could say that once I started meditating, everything became wonderful, and I felt great but that would be a lie. It was hard! There were days when I didn’t bother doing it thinking there were better ways to use my time. On the days that I did meditate, I struggled to sit there focusing on my breath and be present in the moment. It helped that I used a guided meditation that talked me through the practice, and discussed how meditation benefited me and the people around me. I learned it was OK that my mind wandered. What mattered is that I noticed when that happened and brought it back to the point of focus, my breath. My distracted mind that I blamed for not being able to learn meditation years earlier was not something needing to be fixed. Instead, it was to be treated with curiosity and gentleness. 

It was during this time that I was introduced to the Center for Healthy Minds, founded by Dr. Richard Davidson at the University of Wisconsin, Madison. Their vision is for a kinder, wiser, more compassionate world, and their mission is to cultivate well-being and relieve suffering through a scientific understanding of the mind. Their research shows that well-being is not a fixed trait, but a skill that can be learned over time. They’ve identified four areas that contribute to well-being that we can grow in order to experience more of it:

• Awareness - Being more present in day-to-day activities.

• Connection - Feeling of care and kinship toward other people.

• Insight - Understanding how our emotions, thoughts and beliefs shape our experiences and sense of self.

• Purpose - Being clear about core values and being able to apply them in daily living.

The Center for Healthy Minds helped me understand why meditation was worth my time and energy and how it could help me be a well being. They are doing research to understand the impact of it on our brains. It turns out it is one of the best exercises we can do for it, and they are sharing their findings around the world. They also have created an app that can be downloaded for free, offering guided meditations to improve awareness, connection, insight and purpose. Their research shows that we can train our brains to live healthier, more hopeful and fulfilled lives.

The Best I Could

Meditation helped me see more clearly my time with my former employer. My last seven years there were a time of upheaval, constant change, a lot of stress and staff turnover. It was during this time my boss and dear friend, John, retired due to early onset Alzheimers. He passed away a few years later. One morning as I meditated, John came to mind, and I began to cry. I continued crying on and off throughout the day. Up until then, I hadn’t really grieved for him, and I was finally ready to do that. It took time, there were a lot of tears, and he deserved every one of them.

I came to realize that I was far from the only person who didn’t get the ending they wanted at the organization, which took away a lot of the sting I felt about it. I also saw more clearly how a culture of stress and dysfunction didn’t exactly inspire people to always bring their best selves to work, including me. I wrote a note to my former supervisor explaining that amid the stress we were both under, I did the best I could but acknowledged I made mistakes and apologized. Owning my part in how things ended allowed me to let go of the shame, sadness and anger I felt about it. He was gracious enough to write back acknowledging his own mistakes. Like me, he had tried to do the best he could. While I didn’t get the ending I wanted, I’ve come to believe I got the ending I needed in order to move on after 20 years. 

Something We All Deserve

Meditation helped me get through three difficult experiences that had I not been meditating would have crushed me: the passing of my brother, the pandemic and being diagnosed and treated for breast cancer. I got through each because I had enough clarity and ability to manage my emotions to avoid being overwhelmed by them and pulled into deep despair.

It has helped me change thought patterns and behaviors that at one time I thought were impossible to change. With increased awareness and insight, it became clear they just didn’t serve me anymore. I am better at sitting with difficult emotions knowing they won’t last forever. It’s deepened my faith and made me more willing to ask for help. I’m also more comfortable sharing my struggles with others rather than trying to hide them and pretend like everything is fine. I am better at giving myself and others grace. It has made me more appreciative of and grateful for what I have, especially the people who love, support and help me see my blind spots. It helps me live with more hope and purpose.

Being less distracted and more present in my daily life comes with real benefits. I keep better track of my keys, glasses, water bottle and other belongings, so I am not having to ask myself, “Now where did I put that?” I don’t walk into a room nearly as much as I used to and ask myself, “What did I come in here for?” I also worry less about whether I turned off the stove, shut off lights, locked the door and made sure the garage door closed after leaving the house.

In the coming weeks we are taking our oldest, Andy, to college. He accomplished two of the three things he had to do: Graduated high school with good grades and was admitted to the college of his choice. He has failed miserably at the third: make us want him to go away. So it is going to be hard, sad and I am going to cry even more than I already have, and that is OK. He is ready, I have plenty of people to support me, and I have Kleenex. I will get through it just as so many others have.

Even after all these years of meditating, I sometimes feel like I take one step forward and five steps back. But I keep at it because well-being is sacred and something we all deserve. The skills - awareness, insight, connection and purpose - that help us thrive, also save us from being our own worst enemies and help us get through adversity, so I will keep trying to be a well being.

Note to Readers

I recently attended a webinar co-sponsored by the Center for Healthy Minds hosted by its founder, Dr. Richard Davidson. One of the first things he shared is that well-being is declining in the U.S., which isn’t good for any of us.

If you meditate, I would love it if you would share how it is helping you in the comments. And if you aren’t meditating, I hope you will give it a try or another try. If you are looking for a way to get started, there are a lot of apps that provide guided meditations. Some like Headspace, which I used for many years, charge an annual fee. There are others like the Healthy Minds app I reference in the post that can be downloaded for free. You will also find additional resources on the Ruthlessly Hopeful Resource page under Brain Health.

I hope this post inspires you and provides helpful information to support you in starting and or continuing to invest in your well-being and support others in doing the same.  

Learn More

Visit the Center for Healthy Minds where you can learn more about their research. They also have a Why Well-Being page that takes an in depth look at the four contributors to it - awareness, connection, insight and purpose - what they are, what they look like in daily life, the science behind them and ways to increase them.

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