I became a student of hope after being diagnosed with and treated for breast cancer.  Hope is what got me through, which is surprising for me to even write. As a cynic, worrier and someone who shames easily, I’ve had an uneasy relationship with hope over the course of my life. But my cancer diagnosis, not surprisingly, made me embrace it.

I always figured if I got cancer it would be colon cancer, because that is what killed my mom when she was 53 years old. The results of the colonoscopies I started getting in my 40s always came back with good news. Breast cancer wasn’t on my radar, even though I got regular 3-D mammograms, because of dense breast tissue. I didn’t have a family history of it, and I was fortunate to breastfeed all three of my kids, which I thought was supposed to reduce the risk of breast cancer. 

A routine mammogram led to a follow up appointment. A second mammogram of my right breast, led to an ultrasound, which led to a biopsy of two suspicious spots, which resulted in a cancer diagnosis. The news that I had cancer would have flattened me were it not for the radiologist who did my biopsy. She gave me the gift of hope in one of the worst moments of my life. She explained that if I had cancer, they’d gotten really good at treating it, especially breast cancer, I would be well cared for, and I would get through whatever was ahead. She also shared that she was a 10 year-survivor of Stage 4 colon cancer. 

“I will get through it” became my mantra. I repeated it to myself after I got the results confirming I had cancer. I repeated it before and after meeting with the surgeon who said a mastectomy was the best option. I repeated it before sharing the news with my kids. I repeated it after speaking with a health insurance representative who incorrectly told me breast reconstruction surgery would not be covered. I repeated it before the first appointment with my plastic surgeon where I was measured, photographed, introduced to my choice of implants and instructed I would have to pick one. I repeated it all the way to the hospital the morning of my surgery to amputate my right breast. And I repeated it at my first post-op appointment when the bandages were removed, and I could feel that my right breast was gone. I remember, as Joe and I drove home from that appointment, thinking to myself “I got through it.”

I often repeated, “I will get through this” with tears running down my cheeks, a lump in my throat and feeling like I was going to throw up. But I’ve learned hope is a way of thinking that runs on imagination. As long as I could see myself getting through whatever was ahead, I had a chance of succeeding. My pathways to getting through were often as simple as continuing to inhale and exhale and putting one foot in front of the other.

My hope is bolstered by Joe, my kids, siblings and friends. Research shows that hope grows and thrives in the caring and supportive relationships we have with those around us. Prayer also helps me remain hopeful, especially when things are difficult, by reminding me I am a part of something bigger. Meditating daily keeps me hopeful by helping me be more present and manage emotions. 

I am especially working to keep worry, cynicism, shame, fear, anxiety and other negative emotions in check, because they diminish, or worse, rob me of hope. I was lucky that I didn’t require chemotherapy after my mastectomy. Instead, I do hormone therapy by taking Tamoxifen, which significantly reduces the likelihood of a recurrence for me. The downside is one of its common side effects is experiencing all those negative emotions more regularly and intensely, which makes managing them more difficult. Unfortunately, there is not another drug option for me at this time, and not taking Tamoxifen is not an option. But I remain hopeful knowing it is helping me stay cancer free, and I won’t be on it forever. 

I have a post-it by my computer with the question, “What are you doing today to make the future better?” I also have a pin on my kitchen sink that says, “Embrace Hope,” and a card next to my laptop that says “There is always a way.” These messages remind me that hope is a choice to be made every day.  At this point in my life and after everything I’ve been through, it’s an easy choice to make.

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